Lessons from tears...

Why are we so afraid of emotions?

I have never been one to cry… it’s just not something I have been accustomed to doing.  It’s not that I think it’s weird or weak; in fact, I am often jealous of the people who can cry.  And I have come to respect them and admire them and want to be more like them.

Over the past week, I have seen my host mom cry every day.  Monday, it was during lunch when a good friend studying in Cuba came to eat with us.  He, his brother, and Porfi are amazingly close friends and when they’re together, they are hilarious (even to me who understands about 25% of their jokes).  They’re so funny that they would get Elly crying; tears streaming down her face.  Then, she would take off her glasses, wipe her eyes, and just as she almost had herself composed, they would say something and we’d be back to square one of tears streaming down her face.  It was amazing and authentic: a woman from a closed, indigenous community crying freely not because she is sad but solely because she loves life and has so much happiness that it has no way to express itself other than through tears.  Beautiful.

Then we had Tuesday.  I was brushing my teeth at night, admiring the lightning behind the mountains separating us from the warm (wet) coastal area when I looked up and saw gorgeous stars.  I ran to the kitchen door jumping up and down and pointing up (still with my toothbrush).  “Night, night” Elly said… but that wasn’t the point.  Finally, after a lot of pantomiming, I finally ran to the Pila to take my toothbrush out and said, “Mira!  Estrellas!”  She came out excitedly and by the time I had turned around from washing my face, she was lying down in the middle of our patio (which is shared with the duck, chickens, dog, cats, and whatever else comes our way… aka not clean), starring at the stars.  I joined her and as we laid there, watching the stars, we talked about how small we are in comparison to God, the earth’s rotation, and constellations.  She said, “I don’t know any constellations, I just enjoy the stars” and I said, “Oh!  I know some!  Umm…(as I looked around through the sky frantically searching for the big dipper) just not any here”  Elly burst into laughter and as we laid on the cold pavement under the magnificent stars, she once again had tears running down her face. Tears of sadness that our time together is coming to a close, and tears of laughter. 

Then, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, her tears were of sadness and being overwhelmed, but she wasn’t afraid to show that emotion as well.  First, there was some very painful family drama.  Then, a cousin who was like a brother died of a heart attack at age 37 and we were in charge of the services (that post is to come…my inside look at funerals was fascinating). We had some amazing talks through it and she opened up and cried when we talked in the restaurant where she is the cook, in our internet café, at the dinner table, on the bus, everywhere.  She freely expressed herself, which during a week like the one we had, is the healthiest thing that she could do. 

One of the greatest girls ever...

The last few days, I have learned to cry too.  Watching my host mom, who I now call “Mama” and she calls me her “hija” show emotions and express herself has given me permission to love, show emotions, and express what I feel as well.  I teared up saying goodbye to each of my three host families in Xela.  I had tears streaming down my face as students came up to me with tears streaming down theirs, holding a card that they had made.  I am choking up now as I write this.  

I am allowed to cry because those around me have given me permission and shown me how it’s done.  This year, I have cried from laughter after our students do something super funny or almost every night at the dinner table here.  I have cried in front of people as I have left them.  I have cried with people in their pain.  I can cry because tears show love.  Love for one another, love for self expression, and love for life.  

I am so grateful for my lessons.  So grateful for this year.  So grateful for life.  So grateful for tears.

Simply grateful.